|Dad, me, Mom|
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Need, Needing, Needed
Today, March 5th, 2014 is the 3rd anniversary of my Mother’s death.
Over the past weekend, I had a back & forth with a friend from the East Coast, who was also the best day care provider and subsequent nanny for my children and I suspect is a darned good Mom to her two daughters. The conversation resulted in her sharing this essay (aka-blog) with me.
Reading the essay, sent me down a thought path that could result in 87+/- essays about my childhood, my mother, etc.
For today, my thoughts are about need, needing and needed. Sounds like a verb conjugation doesn’t it? Remember those? My paternal grandfather, whom I never knew, was a printer and engraver and apparently printed Berlitz verb wheels to teach conjugation…alas that will be a story for another day.
Essentially, I believe we all need to love and to be loved. Without experiencing these feelings, we may not thrive as individuals. We have each needed to love someone and to be loved by someone. And for some of us, perhaps all of us we go through life needing to be loved and loving someone. Our first and often most profound experiences with love are with our parents.
In the essay, “Mommy, somebody needs you” the blogger comments that someday her children won’t need her. I don’t believe that to be true, although I think it may feel that way to some or all of us at some time. I had a challenging relationship with my mother. I needed her and she wasn’t always emotionally available. I don’t know if she needed me then. As she aged, and developed dementia, she needed me. And I still needed her. There came a point, when she no longer recognized me, and yet I still needed her. I don't know whether she ever knew or appreciated how much I needed and wanted her.
Mom has been gone three years now. I still need her. My father has been gone for just over seven years; I still need him. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could see them, talk to them, and ask them questions. Not only do I need them, more importantly I want them. Once I became an adult, we never lived near each other; we were always 1000’s of miles apart. I wonder how we might have met the need/want factor had we been geographically closer.
I have two adult children. The years of needing me to feed and clothe them are past. The years of kissing skinned knees, helping them to catch fire flies, and ensuring their basic needs were met, are gone. However there are new needs and wants.
My daughter called recently and asked me to come spend her birthday weekend with her…it’s a need and a want for both of us. My son, contemplating a return to college, asked to talk with me about his thoughts and plans for this…another need and want.
These two children are my lifeblood. I will need and want them always and forever. I hope and believe they will need and want me as well. The roles will simply evolve.